ubiqu's public journal

14:07, JUNE 23, 2023.
she died. i want to cut my hair

17:51, MAY 24, 2023.
my great grandma fell and hit her head, fracturing her scull and causing her brain to bleed. she is unconscious at a hospital and the doctor doesn't think she will wake up. i've never cried this way before, i dropped to the floor and just screamed.

19:24, APRIL 25, 2023.
i just ordered a 40-pack of hhc gummies to split with 3 of my friends. i picked strawberry flavour for myself ! very very excited to try them. they should arrive either later this week or at the start of next week. chose delivery to my local post office instead of to my home because i can't have my mom finding out ..... oh and i switched up my skincare routine and i think it is working pretty well yayyy my skin looks so much better currently!!

03:28, APRIL 5, 2023.
not being able to sleep is so upsetting because all i want is to rest and wake up feeling rested but i can't rest because i can't sleep. i've also been binge-eating recently and gaining weight and i hate myself so much because i was doing great with my restriction before, got to the point where i didn't even feel hungry anymore but then i ate snacks ONE TIME and it sent me snowballing. i want to get into kigurumi/animegao so bad. i need to cover my face and pretend to be a cute anime girl. i sat on the floor in complete silence earlier, trying to make a DIY alternative out of masking tape and toilet paper. i need to be rich NOW so i can buy a proper mask!!!! my retainer broke even more than it was already broken and i don't have money so i can't afford to get it fixed. i guess my upper teeth will get fucked again like before i had braces. i hate poverty. ALSO ??? i was on tiktok and saw my site was in a video with 27k likes???? that kinda scared me actually like i know this is a public journal and all but i felt so exposed ... here's my silly confession of the night: there's this girl on tiktok i was crushing on a bit. she made videos with the tags #wlw and #lgbtq all the time . all her videos abt liking women and girls . i let myself project onto her and envision her as my girlfriend. interact and become mutuals. then. she suddenly started posting about how she loves men and lipsyncing to songs about men etc etc etc. I FEEL STUPID. i never even talked to her outside of her comments but i still felt so disappointed by her switch-up. why do some girls do this!!! it's not like i'm a lesbian but i'm bi and i want to talk to a girl for once because i'm fucking sick of all the men in my life being insane!! i'm the only Girl in the World who is allowed to be insane and Also men should not hurt me because Hurting me is illegal. god i just want to get drunk. smirnoff ice double black you are my one desire.

06:00, APRIL 2, 2023.
SPONTANEOUS RETURN!!! like jesus i am resurrected!! thank you mika for your comment in my guestbook i am doing okay! your message inspired me to come back to this site. i can't stop pulling all-nighters my eyes hurt so much and all i want is to sleep but i haven't refilled my prescriptions in so long because i don't know how. also i'm going to be put in contact with a psychiatrist(?) soon about borderline personality disorder because i might have it.

02:14, FEBRUARY 27, 2022.
i killed myself a billion times but i'm still alive!!!!!!!!! i don't know who i am or what i want or what to do or who to be or when to be or how to be. listening to my chemical romance - demolition lovers and my body HURTS HURTS HURTS it hurts! so many things hurtings all the time i cannot keep track of my own pain. MY HEAD IS SPINNING! love is in abundance. i took my ID photo on friday and it turned out acceptable? soon i'll be able to go pick it up at the station and then i can start my alcoholic spiral into a state of absolute bliss. listening to more mcr as i'm writing and it's so good it's so good i really like mcr a lot. the hardest part of this is leaving you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thinking about my autumn of 2020-self when everything was somehow so different like that wasn't me but it was me and it is me. skirts in the woods black boots mossy paths rainy days feeling low and lower until i'm at my lowest point. i'm a leetle tired right now if i am not to lie. can't shan't won't lie.

22:22, FEBRUARY 2, 2022.
twosday twosday twosday twosday the first out of two twosdays this month and year oh my god so good feels so fuking good. i love numbers so much everything is aligned and the universe is reverting back to the original timeline that we got separated from in 2016. this is the reason behind my good performance yesterday i am crediting it to twosday because it's 22:22 02/02/2022 everything is exactly the way it should be. in 20 days we will have twosday 2 which falls on a tuesday. i am leaping off bridges and bouncing off walls. today i felt skinny and therefore liked my outfit, it was very neat and stylish and looked good on me. i wore a necklace for the first time in years. everything went good at school, the journey to and from wasn't bad, i got my favourite seat on the bus in the afternoon. i didn't eat breakfast and didn't even feel sick. did my makeup so good that i still have yet to take it off. got new jeans in the mail and love them a lot because they give me a noticable thigh gap and the detail on the back pockets is pretty.

18:08, FEBRUARY 1, 2022.
i was crazy productive in school today holy fuck!! i wrote an entire essay from start to finish without getting too distracted. and also yesterday i did almost a whole assignment too!!!!! i love the feeling of having motivation to do my schoolwork!!!!! also this morning i felt so fucking sick i thought i was going to die. last night after my shower i could barely stand up and had to grip onto the sink when brushing my teeth, then i had to hurry into bed because every second standing up was another second closer to passing out. it's because i didn't eat enough yesterday and then this morning i didn't have time for breakfast which actually is so good cause i love not eating i love being hungry i love controlling when i eat and when i don't eat! i didn't have lunch because i hate pasta and my school serves pasta like every fucking day, but i drank water and now that i'm home i've had some of those small tomatoes. i'm ready to hand in my essay any moment now but i want one of my friends to read through it first, but it takes forever to get a reply from any of them.

20:40, JANUARY 30, 2022.
sometimes everything just feels so fucking wrong and there's nothing i can do about it. listening to weezer - long time sunshine and wallowing in my misery!! i fucking hate myself i hate myself so much i just wish to be different. why why why am i alive when i do nothing i do literally nothing i have no real life. how is this my world when i have no control and no purpose and everything moves so fast but i'm stuck and i have nobody. writing this fucking journal thinking i will feel seen but i feel more invisible. ii'm so fucking ugly all i want to do is kill myself and rot i can't believe i actually exist like this and people try to tell me it's not that bad but it is that fucking bad i can't do shit i can't do anything except stay at home and feel bad about myself, ican't fucking go outside except when i'm forced to for school or whatever. theres' fucking nothing i can do i can't fix myself i can't fix my problems because i am the problem i am messed the fuck up and too poor to change it, how the fuck do i look like this it's so dfucking disgusting i feel bad for anyone who hasto look at me i feel bad for the universe for having me in it. i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to actuall kill myself i could do it but i'm so scared.

20:40, JANUARY 28, 2022.
my inner workings are a mystery i am an enigma!!!! anybody who thinks they know me is wrong i will never be known i am so strange and odd and actually full of secrets and also intricate obscure information!!

21:36, JANUARY 26, 2022.
worked out twice! took a cold shower! trying to stop laying in bed all day (though that is kind of what i did bc i stayed home from school). tomorrow i'm clearing some space for my treadmill and hopefully walking on it instead of just sitting around!! i love being motivated to work on myself i love taking care of myself i love being good to me!!!!! i need to do studying too tho and i HATE it so much that i'd rather drop out but i can't. i haven't worked on my final project at all for months and my teacher wants an update tomorrow morning FUCK. discord is down so i'm freaking out because i'm dependent on that stupid app. what the hell even is an API outage??? let me in i want to text my friends!!!!!!!

21:30, JANUARY 25, 2022.
oversharing is an unstoppable impulse that i wish i didn't have!!! i hate myself so so so much i hate the way my brain is constantly working against me i hate myself. i hate how much i ate today i'm a stupid fucking idiot who doesn't know when to stop like it's really ridiculous how in every aspect of my life i don't know when or how to stop, everything about me is TOO MUCH!!!!!!! i'm going to starve myself until i get good at it again. being hungry feels good i love being hungry i love feeling in control of my own hunger. EXPRESSING MYSELF IS SO FUCKING CRINGE I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY PUT THIS SHIT OUT THERE FOR PEOPLE TO READ BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S SO COMFORTING AND I CAN'T STOP. i want to fucking kill myself every day, i want to overdose and i want to hurt. i should not be alive here and now. i always feel like i'm supposed to repent for something and i don't know what that something is, like am i at fault for being born? being born was not my choice but it is my choice to keep living and that puts me in the wrong. god i love listening to my silly little playlists they're so funky and groovy and epic. a higher power did not grant me my amazing music taste or sense of humour or great fashion style or intellect OR ANY OF MY SKILLS AND TALENTS. i am so in control of my own life, i am actually the best and also the most sentient being. every good thing about me can be credited to ME alone. actually, the intro to mindless self indulgence - witness applies fully to me. i am the best i am the best i am the best. FUCK everybody else!!!

16:34, JANUARY 22, 2022.
new entry, new me, same day. a glimspe into the psyche of a silly goofy young adult: i hate so many things but at the same time i have so much love to give and i feel like i will never express this properly because things are messed up and i don't understand myself. i'll never know what life would be like if i didn't have mental disorders and i'll never have the resources to deal with them, i will never be fully understood by anyone, no other person in this world will ever find out what it's like to be me, because i'm the only me. all parts of me will never be appreciated for what they are, because you can always be more and i should always be less. failure to accept myself means inability to allow others to do it for me. sometimes i feel cursed and that sounds dumb, because curses are not real. but it's like i was made to be miserable, i am poison and i taint those i come in contact with even if all my intentions were good. i'm scared to enjoy myself cause i know how it ends and i know it's inevitable. and i fucking hate that i'm self aware but repeat the same pattern nonetheless. instead of doing something about anything i keep making my stupid public journal sites and wordvomiting to an imagined audience in hopes of feeling less alone but nobody answers and i don't get better. weeks go by and then i get paranoid, leave, eventually make a new site and start over. it's sad that this is the only way i'm comfortable venting without sugarcoating shit.

12:04, JANUARY 22, 2022.
i had an awful awful terrible nightmare but at least i woke up early, at like 09:30 or so. it's bright and i'm not super tired. going to work out today! i hate how much i've been slacking and gaining weight recently, i'm a mess with no self control. if my past self knew the way i looked today she'd kill herself. maybe i'll draw later.

23:17, JANUARY 20, 2022.
staars fading but i linger on deaaaar still craving your kissssss i'm longing to linger till dawn dearrrr just saaying this..........today was a bad day and i was so stressed out my throat felt like i was enduring constant strangulation. it's too late to take my sleeping pills for tonight but i might anyway because at least they help me fall asleep. don't want to feel hazy all day as a result BUT it is what it is.

22:30, JANUARY 18, 2022.
i have felt so awful about myself the past two days. i feel like i'm gaining weight again and i have no idea what to do with my hair. i have to take my id and passport photo soon but i don't want to.

18:50, JANUARY 16, 2022.
same day new entry, i made a guestbook and a "not found" page (rn you can see it if you click "placeholder" in the link directory). also a sitebutton! if anyone wants to link to me. i will probably make my own button wall sometime soon, i followed some people here last night. i hope people sign my guestbook because that's one of my favourite things when making websites. today begins my oversharing. i stayed up way too late and in turn woke up way too late, didn't eat breakfast, weighed myself, laid in bed for hours, watched criminal minds, spent ages on tiktok, watched criminal minds again, ate dinner, thought about throwing up my dinner, and finally came back here to update. i feel like a failure when i waste so much of the day not even conscious. what doesn't make it better is the fact that even after waking up i don't do shit other than stay in bed on either my phone or computer. i have no energy or motivation to do anything else. last night there was a spider on my bedroom floor and i killed it with a sock. i barely spotted it because my vision has gotten so bad. my intention was actually to go to sleep around 4 in the morning but i got distracted by the silly little apps on my phone, saw that someone had messaged me "lain?" and i freaked out because i had just been working on this site which is very lain-themed. what i forgot was that in the background of one of my pictures you can see two lain artworks. i convinced myself that this was a sign from the universe and that everything that happens to me is orchestrated, because what are the chances someone would mention lain to me like that? in conclusion, i'm stupid and read into things too much.

02:08, JANUARY 16, 2022.
new year new site heheheheheheheheh. i am working hard on this, into the early hours as you can see. i love my computer i love writing my silly little code and putting my thoughts out there on my neat personalized websites. i am my own audience. ummm also i don't know how to do web design for other resolutions lol!! so anyone viewing my site in a larger res than 1440x720 is gonna have to deal with the layout looking strange (this is because the sidebar is aligned to the right in my code, it will always be furthest to the right of your screen!). it's now 03:33 and i am still awake and can't stop looking at my site because i love it!!!